“I realized that I always defined myself in terms of what I wasn’t. Always what I wasn’t, never what I was. And when you do that you miss the moments. And the moments are all we’ve got. Even when I thought I was going to die, even after everything that’s happened, I realized I didn’t want to let go. I was willing to do it all over again, and this time I could appreciate the moments. I can’t go back, but I cant appreciate what I have right now. And I can define myself by what I am instead of what I am not, Alive, and everything else is negotiable.” Babylon 5.
So this is my end of year post. That time where I reflect over the last year and ask myself, what have I accomplished and what I did not. The quote at the top of the page comes from one of my favorite shows, Babylon 5, the lines where spoken by the doctor in the series, who was recovering from a drug addiction, and had almost been killed while helping someone else. After recovering, the doctor said he had found what he was looking for, and this was what he found. As I have eluded too before, it was a little over a year ago I was enjoying the mix of painkiller and vodka, to the point of taking a handful of pills one night with a bottle of Smirnoff. That was the event I credit with giving me the kick in the ass I needed to get my life back onto track and heading in the direction it’s currently headed.
Starting with the spring 2007 semester I returned to school, my first semester was just getting my feet wet, I took two night classes and continued to work both a full and a part time job. I ended the semester with a B average. After that I decided it was now or never. So I turned in notice to my full time job with the County (we will get to this subject more later) that I would be quitting at the start of the fall semester, I did take the summer off from classes. Well at the start of the fall semester, I left my full time job at the county, switched part time jobs from circuit city to a bank, and began 16 credit hours to finish my Associates Degree. Well I ended with a B average overall, a B average on my cumulative GPA and will be heading to University of Illinois – Springfield for the spring of 2008 to work on my BA and MA in political studies. I should be finished in 3 years and ready to see where the world will take me.
Despite everything going rather well with school, and for the most part the job situation going ok (again more on that later), my personal life still seems to be lacking in some way. I have had two random hook-ups over the last year, one was with the cousin of my friend’s former roommate at a party, USA Guy, and the other was the waiter from the restaurant I ate at in St. Louis. I mean several of my friends know about USA Guy, since they were at the party we started making out at. Nevertheless, my family is still kind of an issue, I won’t get into the whole thing over again, but needless to say dad and I don’t always get along, and mom has her head in the sand most of the time, and I honestly think that if she knew I had randomly hooked up not one but two guys she might try locking me up in my room and never letting me out again. It’s like my mom’s idea of being gay is living the life of the perpetual bachelor, she can’t seem to grasp the idea that being gay means falling in love with, living with, being intimate, with another man. The other problem with my social life is living in central Illinois; this isn’t exactly the homo capitol of the world here. We have one gay bar in a town of over 200,000 people, and the next closest one is over an hour away. And part of it is I still have a hard time in social situations, I have never really dated before, so now I am 24 and its like I am going through that awkward teenage stage where you’re not really sure how to even begin. I want to date people, I want to meet someone, but I don’t really know where to even start looking. I am hoping to have enough time in the spring to get involved with the UIS gay and lesbian student group, not so much to look for dates (for those of you who asked) but to try and build a group of friends I can relate with, not that my current friends are not fantastic, but I think I really need to try making some other gay friends before I can expect to move on into a relationship.
Now, for the work situation, for the last two years I worked for the County Circuit Clerks Office. There were many reasons for my leaving. One was tension between co-workers and myself. Some of it was my being gay, but mostly it was that I rocked to boat. I was given a position that the previous person had seriously fucked up, and the way the change went down was a little dirty I will admit, but it was what was needed. While the person who held the position was out on medical leave, the manager demoted her to my job and promoted me to her job, a position I held for almost 18 months. In that time I completely changed the way the position operated, took back responsibilities that she had lost. A lot of people felt the way I got the position was underhanded, and as a result I got constant opposition from people when I would make changes, I will say the managers never stopped me, they wanted me to make the changes. Hell, I swear most people threw a party the day I left, they just could wait for me to be out of there, even as I trained my replacement I could hear the whispers about me leaving. Well now 5 months later those same people have apologized to me, they have begged me to return, and In much the same way I got the position in the first place, another dirty deal has been made and sometime after the first of the year I will be returning to my old job at the county. I guess it’s true that your never really appreciated until your gone.
So what’s in store for 2008, I don’t know. I do know over the last year I have learned to stop defining myself as what I wasn’t, but to live my life defined by what/who I am. I am alive, and everything else is negotiable. I am who I am, It’s a constant struggle, walking a line between expectations of who you are and actually being who you are, it’s easy for people to talk about not compromising who they are, but in practice it’s not always that simple, that easy. For 2008 I intend on continuing with school, even with working more. I am also hoping in 2008 to open up more socially. For too long I let other expectations dictate to me what I would do, and I am starting to overcome it, but it is a slow process. Well, this will probably be my last post before the New Year, so to all my readers. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year.
Closing out 2007, good night and good luck
BW
Saturday, December 22, 2007
A Year in Review, 2007 - Bringing Light into the Darkness
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Untitled
I don’t know really where to begin with this post, When I decided to write one tonight I had already picked out what I wanted to say, the topic, everything. Then life intervened. It’s no secret to the readers of this blog that I don’t always have the greatest relationship with my dad. Well, things keep getting worse, I don’t know why, and to be perfectly honest I am getting tired of trying to figure it out, wondering what I will say that will set him off next. I feel bad for mom, she is stuck in the middle, but at the same time she has her head stuck in the sand hoping that we will all just get along. I don’t know what to do, the screaming matches, the snide comments, how long can I put up with it. Right now I see two choices, I give up on school (again) take a full time job back and move out on my own again, or keep putting up with it, killing myself mentally, and finish my degree. I don’t know if I can take 18-24 months of his shit, Longer if I go for the MA. I just don’t know anymore, I am getting tired, I can’t keep dealing with this shit. I moved out because of this shit in the first damn place. I supposed I could try mom’s head in the sand approach, she “has words” with him, might get us by another week, maybe a month, maybe 2 if we are lucky then the snide comments start, then the yelling. I know my education is the way out, but does the road to it have to go straight through hell?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I’m back to my old self.
So I am getting back to my political commentary here. Earlier today I was reading the post by Matt over at Debriefing the Boys (seriously go read it, it’s good). I though he made a good, albeit slightly flawed, argument. But he said something about Voters not being stupid. And now we have the purpose of my post.
Let’s look at the average American voter shall we. IF the average American voter was an informed voter then candidates would not need Oprah (Obama), Chuck Norris (Huchabee), or her Husband (Clinton) to campaign for them, their positions on issues would be enough. Voters don’t look into candidates for the most part anymore, they take exactly what is spoon fed to them and like good little trained dogs they digest it and shit it back out. Anymore it’s all about who can get the celebrity endorsements and the money to make the fancier ads. When did it become more important in American who Ben Affleck is endorsing for president, rather than the candidates position on the issues. I find polling data interesting, but I think a more interesting question would be to ask why a person in supporting a candidate, I guarantee that for about 75% of responses the answer would come down to either a celebrity endorsement or pre-packaged issue that if you spent 5 minutes looking at the candidates record you could prove to be bullshit. Moreover, it all comes down to the dumbing down of America, its happening in our schools, if the kids can’t pass the standardized tests, we don’t try to make the kids smarter, we make the test easier (look up the Illinois Prairie State Achievement Exams, after more than half the Juniors in the state failed to pass the test the revamped the test, making it easier). It is also happening in our entertainment, reality shows like wife swap, and who can fuck who on some desert island are getting viewed more than the news, more than television shows that involve engaging the brain. If a celebrity wants to use their influence to promote something, why not promote to our students safe sex, values that don’t include getting sent to rehab for drug and alcohol abuse, why don’t they encourage kids that there is a difference between a healthy life (eating right and exercise) and an eating disorder to look like a size 0. I don’t ask my mechanic why my e-mail don’t work, I don’t ask they guy at Deli why my cars anti-theft isn’t working, so what qualifies a movie star, or a musician to tell people who to vote for, why does a celebrity have more influence in politics than people who have PHD’s in the fields of Political Science, Public Administration, Economics. The truth is that the American people don’t want to think on their own, they don’t want to research a candidate and become an informed voter, they want to take whatever pre-packaged sound bite they are given and go with it without even checking its validity.
Let’s look at the average American voter shall we. IF the average American voter was an informed voter then candidates would not need Oprah (Obama), Chuck Norris (Huchabee), or her Husband (Clinton) to campaign for them, their positions on issues would be enough. Voters don’t look into candidates for the most part anymore, they take exactly what is spoon fed to them and like good little trained dogs they digest it and shit it back out. Anymore it’s all about who can get the celebrity endorsements and the money to make the fancier ads. When did it become more important in American who Ben Affleck is endorsing for president, rather than the candidates position on the issues. I find polling data interesting, but I think a more interesting question would be to ask why a person in supporting a candidate, I guarantee that for about 75% of responses the answer would come down to either a celebrity endorsement or pre-packaged issue that if you spent 5 minutes looking at the candidates record you could prove to be bullshit. Moreover, it all comes down to the dumbing down of America, its happening in our schools, if the kids can’t pass the standardized tests, we don’t try to make the kids smarter, we make the test easier (look up the Illinois Prairie State Achievement Exams, after more than half the Juniors in the state failed to pass the test the revamped the test, making it easier). It is also happening in our entertainment, reality shows like wife swap, and who can fuck who on some desert island are getting viewed more than the news, more than television shows that involve engaging the brain. If a celebrity wants to use their influence to promote something, why not promote to our students safe sex, values that don’t include getting sent to rehab for drug and alcohol abuse, why don’t they encourage kids that there is a difference between a healthy life (eating right and exercise) and an eating disorder to look like a size 0. I don’t ask my mechanic why my e-mail don’t work, I don’t ask they guy at Deli why my cars anti-theft isn’t working, so what qualifies a movie star, or a musician to tell people who to vote for, why does a celebrity have more influence in politics than people who have PHD’s in the fields of Political Science, Public Administration, Economics. The truth is that the American people don’t want to think on their own, they don’t want to research a candidate and become an informed voter, they want to take whatever pre-packaged sound bite they are given and go with it without even checking its validity.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Weekend Update
And now, Live from a small town in Central Illinois,
This is Weekend Update.
Ok, so I got back from my weekend getaway in St Louis on Sunday Night. The weekend was incredible. I drove down Saturday morning to spend the weekend. The main purpose of my trip was to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert on Sunday. Well Saturday night I went to dinner at the Schlafly Tap Room. The place was great, amazing food, and some outstanding beer. Schlafly has over 30 varieties of beer, 6 are available year round, and the rest are brewed and released at various times during the year and are available while supplies last. While there, I met one of their brewers who proceed to give me several samples of their beers (I purchased three, and ended up trying all of the 12 they had on tap (YAY FREE BEER)) overall, the staff, and the atmosphere was great, really laid back. Moreover, not only was to the beer good, the food was out of this world, everything fresh made in house from scratch, even the salad dressing. And after dinner I even managed to hook up with my waiter (I will pass on a potential pun or joke here). He is a 25 year old student at SLU, and is an Irish Catholic, brown hair and the most amazing green eyes ever, waking up next to him was great, he was one of those guys who you just like to watch sleep, and my room had a big window that looked out over the St Louis skyline, so seeing him sleep in the light of the city, ohh if I only had a camera with me. Then on Sunday I had lunch at the brewery again (I swear to God I am not an alcoholic) before the concert. Then there was the concert. I went to the show last year, and I have to say this year topped it. The show was incredible; the lighting was absolutely amazing, as was the pyrotechnics. What was better was that some of the band was at the same Hotel I was in. I met four members of the band in the Hotel Elevator. Oh well I should get back to studying for finals.
This is Weekend Update.
Ok, so I got back from my weekend getaway in St Louis on Sunday Night. The weekend was incredible. I drove down Saturday morning to spend the weekend. The main purpose of my trip was to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert on Sunday. Well Saturday night I went to dinner at the Schlafly Tap Room. The place was great, amazing food, and some outstanding beer. Schlafly has over 30 varieties of beer, 6 are available year round, and the rest are brewed and released at various times during the year and are available while supplies last. While there, I met one of their brewers who proceed to give me several samples of their beers (I purchased three, and ended up trying all of the 12 they had on tap (YAY FREE BEER)) overall, the staff, and the atmosphere was great, really laid back. Moreover, not only was to the beer good, the food was out of this world, everything fresh made in house from scratch, even the salad dressing. And after dinner I even managed to hook up with my waiter (I will pass on a potential pun or joke here). He is a 25 year old student at SLU, and is an Irish Catholic, brown hair and the most amazing green eyes ever, waking up next to him was great, he was one of those guys who you just like to watch sleep, and my room had a big window that looked out over the St Louis skyline, so seeing him sleep in the light of the city, ohh if I only had a camera with me. Then on Sunday I had lunch at the brewery again (I swear to God I am not an alcoholic) before the concert. Then there was the concert. I went to the show last year, and I have to say this year topped it. The show was incredible; the lighting was absolutely amazing, as was the pyrotechnics. What was better was that some of the band was at the same Hotel I was in. I met four members of the band in the Hotel Elevator. Oh well I should get back to studying for finals.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Renovations
Well to my faithful readers im sure you noticed that the blog is no longer the blog in black. I decided I wanted to do some layout changes and add some color to the blog, so here is my attempt at that. Let me know what you think.
BW
BW
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Simple Plan
On my way to class this morning I heard a song on the radio that I have not hears in a long time, and it just seemed to fit my life right now. I swear I will get over this little mood soon and get back to my normal self.
"Perfect"Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend thatI'm alright
And you can't change me'
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far awayAnd it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright'
Cuz we lost it all Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand'
Cuz we lost it all Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect'
Cuz we lost it all Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
"Perfect"Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend thatI'm alright
And you can't change me'
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far awayAnd it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright'
Cuz we lost it all Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand'
Cuz we lost it all Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect'
Cuz we lost it all Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Monday, December 3, 2007
A Rant/temper tantrum
Ok,
So it has been a while since I have gone of a ranting raving temper tantrum, but God fucking damnit, I am sick and tired of my Dad being an ass. Let me back up a minute here and say that my older brother is an aerospace engineer with airbus, my sister a school teacher, and me, the 24 year old college student. This all started about a month ago, my dad got this e-mail with all kinds of questions, he then forwarded it me and my brother, my brother got it and answer all of the questions correctly, I did not get it till later and I looked at the questions and got all the answers as well. I didn’t respond with the answers, figured my brother already had, no need to be redundant, at dinner we were discussing my brother and sister, dad proceeded to make a comment that made it sound like I was the retard of the family, and when I objected his response was “well, like you would have been able to answer those questions. For the fucking record my ACT score is higher than my sisters and 2 points lower than my brothers (23, 26, 28 respectively) and my SAT score is higher than either of theirs. Well I blew it off, then he did it again, and I blew that off. Well tonight he was at a club (a club I happen to be an officer at) and they were discussing a news story about spanking children. He told them that he has spanked all his children, ones an engineer with airbus, ones a school teacher, the only one that it seemed to effect was me. Ya know, fuck you dad, I am sick of putting up with being put down by you. I have over a 3.0 GPA the last two semesters, a B average overall. I am sorry that I had a couple of bad semester a couple of years ago, that whole hiding being gay and being absolutely terrified of what you would do if you found out you arrogant condensing son of a bitch, I’m sorry all that fucked with my head for a while. I’m sorry I have been accepted to an advanced double degree program because I am stupid, or inferior somehow. Because I don’t know jack shit about sports and would rather go to Les Miserables or Phantom of the opera, or Trans-Siberian Orchestra concerts than a ballgame that makes me stupid. I’m sorry I am not like my 14 year old nephew who you think walks on water because he can play sports and quote all the stats off the top of his head, I’m sorry he is damn near flunking out of school, but boy can he throw that ball. I’m sorry he is more the son you wanted than me, but stop putting me down mother fucker.
Ok, my rant is done now, I am recomposed, back to the calm cool, iceman I have grown used to being.
BW
So it has been a while since I have gone of a ranting raving temper tantrum, but God fucking damnit, I am sick and tired of my Dad being an ass. Let me back up a minute here and say that my older brother is an aerospace engineer with airbus, my sister a school teacher, and me, the 24 year old college student. This all started about a month ago, my dad got this e-mail with all kinds of questions, he then forwarded it me and my brother, my brother got it and answer all of the questions correctly, I did not get it till later and I looked at the questions and got all the answers as well. I didn’t respond with the answers, figured my brother already had, no need to be redundant, at dinner we were discussing my brother and sister, dad proceeded to make a comment that made it sound like I was the retard of the family, and when I objected his response was “well, like you would have been able to answer those questions. For the fucking record my ACT score is higher than my sisters and 2 points lower than my brothers (23, 26, 28 respectively) and my SAT score is higher than either of theirs. Well I blew it off, then he did it again, and I blew that off. Well tonight he was at a club (a club I happen to be an officer at) and they were discussing a news story about spanking children. He told them that he has spanked all his children, ones an engineer with airbus, ones a school teacher, the only one that it seemed to effect was me. Ya know, fuck you dad, I am sick of putting up with being put down by you. I have over a 3.0 GPA the last two semesters, a B average overall. I am sorry that I had a couple of bad semester a couple of years ago, that whole hiding being gay and being absolutely terrified of what you would do if you found out you arrogant condensing son of a bitch, I’m sorry all that fucked with my head for a while. I’m sorry I have been accepted to an advanced double degree program because I am stupid, or inferior somehow. Because I don’t know jack shit about sports and would rather go to Les Miserables or Phantom of the opera, or Trans-Siberian Orchestra concerts than a ballgame that makes me stupid. I’m sorry I am not like my 14 year old nephew who you think walks on water because he can play sports and quote all the stats off the top of his head, I’m sorry he is damn near flunking out of school, but boy can he throw that ball. I’m sorry he is more the son you wanted than me, but stop putting me down mother fucker.
Ok, my rant is done now, I am recomposed, back to the calm cool, iceman I have grown used to being.
BW
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