1 year ago

Preface: This is another post that has taken me a little while to write, and has gone through more drafts than some papers I have turned in for a grade. Hope you all enjoy, hopefully soon I will be back to my old sarcastic form of social commentary.

It has been 1 year since I officially came out, not exactly to the day, but that’s because I honestly don’t remember the day, it was all such a blur at the time. I know it was one night in mid October, sitting on the front porch of my house, and it was cold that night. As we sat outside the question came, no more dodging the issue, two of the most difficult words I have ever said came next. Over the next two weeks I began to tell friends and family the same thing, it didn’t go as bad as I thought it would and for the most part was me with the response of, it’s about time you figured it out, and from my sister, And I thought you had a minors in psychology. One year later, I emotionally and physically feel better than I did before, I am for the most part happier, I still have some stressful issues, but those deal with walking out of a fulltime job, returning to school full time, and having to move back in with my parents (some bad memories are there). But now one year later I still wonder where I am personally, and find myself wondering if I will ever know. I still find myself looking around to see who is around if I go to the gay bar (which I have only been too three times), and I still get uncomfortable with the idea of dating. It’s not that I don’t want to meet someone, or go out with someone; I just don’t know where to look. And I know it’s not easy in this area, this isn’t exactly the best place for a gay social life, and is something that isn’t event really accepted out in the open, here it is more of an underground thing, we have one gay bar and it doesn’t even have a sign. And then there are the parents. My dad is still a wild card, I figure as long as he don’t have to deal with a potential boy friend then he will be fine, in other words my sister could bring her boyfriend’s home for dinner, from what he says about not flaunting it around the house means any potential boyfriend and I should probably eat out somewhere. Then there is mom, I hate to say I think she is delusional, or at least has her head in the sand. It’s like she can hear the words “I’m Gay” but she can’t comprehend the meaning of that, now I have a cousin on moms side of the family who is gay, but who lives alone. It’s like her idea of being gay is the life a permanent bachelor, she has even made comments about how when I get done with college and move out about how I would live alone, it’s like she doesn’t understand that when I find the right guy, hopefully I won’t be living alone. I done want to push my parents, but at the same time I feel suffocated by them when it comes to a social life, I have to justify why I’m not home or why I leave or why I stay out, even though she swore to me she wouldn’t do that to me. Then there is the fact I’m not out at work, it also hasn’t came up and when and if it does I will tell the truth there. Then there is the group I am an officer in, I like what I do, but I know if it were common knowledge that I’m gay I would be ran out the door by the old guard members. But I don’t really mind that because I don’t think I need to walk around carrying a big sign that proclaims I’m gay to everyone I encounter, mainly because I don’t think it matters and in the setting of this particular group in no way does it affect my ability of responsibility. I guess the best way I can sum this up (so I don’t start/continue rambling) is that despite being out for a year feel like I have accomplished something, but I’m not sure what, it’s like I’m standing on the other side of an open door looking into an infinite space not sure how to proceed. I guess I should just be patient with myself and those around me, but it just sucks sitting back and hoping things will work out in the end.