A Year in Review, 2007 - Bringing Light into the Darkness

“I realized that I always defined myself in terms of what I wasn’t. Always what I wasn’t, never what I was. And when you do that you miss the moments. And the moments are all we’ve got. Even when I thought I was going to die, even after everything that’s happened, I realized I didn’t want to let go. I was willing to do it all over again, and this time I could appreciate the moments. I can’t go back, but I cant appreciate what I have right now. And I can define myself by what I am instead of what I am not, Alive, and everything else is negotiable.” Babylon 5.

So this is my end of year post. That time where I reflect over the last year and ask myself, what have I accomplished and what I did not. The quote at the top of the page comes from one of my favorite shows, Babylon 5, the lines where spoken by the doctor in the series, who was recovering from a drug addiction, and had almost been killed while helping someone else. After recovering, the doctor said he had found what he was looking for, and this was what he found. As I have eluded too before, it was a little over a year ago I was enjoying the mix of painkiller and vodka, to the point of taking a handful of pills one night with a bottle of Smirnoff. That was the event I credit with giving me the kick in the ass I needed to get my life back onto track and heading in the direction it’s currently headed.

Starting with the spring 2007 semester I returned to school, my first semester was just getting my feet wet, I took two night classes and continued to work both a full and a part time job. I ended the semester with a B average. After that I decided it was now or never. So I turned in notice to my full time job with the County (we will get to this subject more later) that I would be quitting at the start of the fall semester, I did take the summer off from classes. Well at the start of the fall semester, I left my full time job at the county, switched part time jobs from circuit city to a bank, and began 16 credit hours to finish my Associates Degree. Well I ended with a B average overall, a B average on my cumulative GPA and will be heading to University of Illinois – Springfield for the spring of 2008 to work on my BA and MA in political studies. I should be finished in 3 years and ready to see where the world will take me.

Despite everything going rather well with school, and for the most part the job situation going ok (again more on that later), my personal life still seems to be lacking in some way. I have had two random hook-ups over the last year, one was with the cousin of my friend’s former roommate at a party, USA Guy, and the other was the waiter from the restaurant I ate at in St. Louis. I mean several of my friends know about USA Guy, since they were at the party we started making out at. Nevertheless, my family is still kind of an issue, I won’t get into the whole thing over again, but needless to say dad and I don’t always get along, and mom has her head in the sand most of the time, and I honestly think that if she knew I had randomly hooked up not one but two guys she might try locking me up in my room and never letting me out again. It’s like my mom’s idea of being gay is living the life of the perpetual bachelor, she can’t seem to grasp the idea that being gay means falling in love with, living with, being intimate, with another man. The other problem with my social life is living in central Illinois; this isn’t exactly the homo capitol of the world here. We have one gay bar in a town of over 200,000 people, and the next closest one is over an hour away. And part of it is I still have a hard time in social situations, I have never really dated before, so now I am 24 and its like I am going through that awkward teenage stage where you’re not really sure how to even begin. I want to date people, I want to meet someone, but I don’t really know where to even start looking. I am hoping to have enough time in the spring to get involved with the UIS gay and lesbian student group, not so much to look for dates (for those of you who asked) but to try and build a group of friends I can relate with, not that my current friends are not fantastic, but I think I really need to try making some other gay friends before I can expect to move on into a relationship.

Now, for the work situation, for the last two years I worked for the County Circuit Clerks Office. There were many reasons for my leaving. One was tension between co-workers and myself. Some of it was my being gay, but mostly it was that I rocked to boat. I was given a position that the previous person had seriously fucked up, and the way the change went down was a little dirty I will admit, but it was what was needed. While the person who held the position was out on medical leave, the manager demoted her to my job and promoted me to her job, a position I held for almost 18 months. In that time I completely changed the way the position operated, took back responsibilities that she had lost. A lot of people felt the way I got the position was underhanded, and as a result I got constant opposition from people when I would make changes, I will say the managers never stopped me, they wanted me to make the changes. Hell, I swear most people threw a party the day I left, they just could wait for me to be out of there, even as I trained my replacement I could hear the whispers about me leaving. Well now 5 months later those same people have apologized to me, they have begged me to return, and In much the same way I got the position in the first place, another dirty deal has been made and sometime after the first of the year I will be returning to my old job at the county. I guess it’s true that your never really appreciated until your gone.

So what’s in store for 2008, I don’t know. I do know over the last year I have learned to stop defining myself as what I wasn’t, but to live my life defined by what/who I am. I am alive, and everything else is negotiable. I am who I am, It’s a constant struggle, walking a line between expectations of who you are and actually being who you are, it’s easy for people to talk about not compromising who they are, but in practice it’s not always that simple, that easy. For 2008 I intend on continuing with school, even with working more. I am also hoping in 2008 to open up more socially. For too long I let other expectations dictate to me what I would do, and I am starting to overcome it, but it is a slow process. Well, this will probably be my last post before the New Year, so to all my readers. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year.

Closing out 2007, good night and good luck
BW

Untitled

I don’t know really where to begin with this post, When I decided to write one tonight I had already picked out what I wanted to say, the topic, everything. Then life intervened. It’s no secret to the readers of this blog that I don’t always have the greatest relationship with my dad. Well, things keep getting worse, I don’t know why, and to be perfectly honest I am getting tired of trying to figure it out, wondering what I will say that will set him off next. I feel bad for mom, she is stuck in the middle, but at the same time she has her head stuck in the sand hoping that we will all just get along. I don’t know what to do, the screaming matches, the snide comments, how long can I put up with it. Right now I see two choices, I give up on school (again) take a full time job back and move out on my own again, or keep putting up with it, killing myself mentally, and finish my degree. I don’t know if I can take 18-24 months of his shit, Longer if I go for the MA. I just don’t know anymore, I am getting tired, I can’t keep dealing with this shit. I moved out because of this shit in the first damn place. I supposed I could try mom’s head in the sand approach, she “has words” with him, might get us by another week, maybe a month, maybe 2 if we are lucky then the snide comments start, then the yelling. I know my education is the way out, but does the road to it have to go straight through hell?

I’m back to my old self.

So I am getting back to my political commentary here. Earlier today I was reading the post by Matt over at Debriefing the Boys (seriously go read it, it’s good). I though he made a good, albeit slightly flawed, argument. But he said something about Voters not being stupid. And now we have the purpose of my post.
Let’s look at the average American voter shall we. IF the average American voter was an informed voter then candidates would not need Oprah (Obama), Chuck Norris (Huchabee), or her Husband (Clinton) to campaign for them, their positions on issues would be enough. Voters don’t look into candidates for the most part anymore, they take exactly what is spoon fed to them and like good little trained dogs they digest it and shit it back out. Anymore it’s all about who can get the celebrity endorsements and the money to make the fancier ads. When did it become more important in American who Ben Affleck is endorsing for president, rather than the candidates position on the issues. I find polling data interesting, but I think a more interesting question would be to ask why a person in supporting a candidate, I guarantee that for about 75% of responses the answer would come down to either a celebrity endorsement or pre-packaged issue that if you spent 5 minutes looking at the candidates record you could prove to be bullshit. Moreover, it all comes down to the dumbing down of America, its happening in our schools, if the kids can’t pass the standardized tests, we don’t try to make the kids smarter, we make the test easier (look up the Illinois Prairie State Achievement Exams, after more than half the Juniors in the state failed to pass the test the revamped the test, making it easier). It is also happening in our entertainment, reality shows like wife swap, and who can fuck who on some desert island are getting viewed more than the news, more than television shows that involve engaging the brain. If a celebrity wants to use their influence to promote something, why not promote to our students safe sex, values that don’t include getting sent to rehab for drug and alcohol abuse, why don’t they encourage kids that there is a difference between a healthy life (eating right and exercise) and an eating disorder to look like a size 0. I don’t ask my mechanic why my e-mail don’t work, I don’t ask they guy at Deli why my cars anti-theft isn’t working, so what qualifies a movie star, or a musician to tell people who to vote for, why does a celebrity have more influence in politics than people who have PHD’s in the fields of Political Science, Public Administration, Economics. The truth is that the American people don’t want to think on their own, they don’t want to research a candidate and become an informed voter, they want to take whatever pre-packaged sound bite they are given and go with it without even checking its validity.

Weekend Update

And now, Live from a small town in Central Illinois,
This is Weekend Update.
Ok, so I got back from my weekend getaway in St Louis on Sunday Night. The weekend was incredible. I drove down Saturday morning to spend the weekend. The main purpose of my trip was to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert on Sunday. Well Saturday night I went to dinner at the Schlafly Tap Room. The place was great, amazing food, and some outstanding beer. Schlafly has over 30 varieties of beer, 6 are available year round, and the rest are brewed and released at various times during the year and are available while supplies last. While there, I met one of their brewers who proceed to give me several samples of their beers (I purchased three, and ended up trying all of the 12 they had on tap (YAY FREE BEER)) overall, the staff, and the atmosphere was great, really laid back. Moreover, not only was to the beer good, the food was out of this world, everything fresh made in house from scratch, even the salad dressing. And after dinner I even managed to hook up with my waiter (I will pass on a potential pun or joke here). He is a 25 year old student at SLU, and is an Irish Catholic, brown hair and the most amazing green eyes ever, waking up next to him was great, he was one of those guys who you just like to watch sleep, and my room had a big window that looked out over the St Louis skyline, so seeing him sleep in the light of the city, ohh if I only had a camera with me. Then on Sunday I had lunch at the brewery again (I swear to God I am not an alcoholic) before the concert. Then there was the concert. I went to the show last year, and I have to say this year topped it. The show was incredible; the lighting was absolutely amazing, as was the pyrotechnics. What was better was that some of the band was at the same Hotel I was in. I met four members of the band in the Hotel Elevator. Oh well I should get back to studying for finals.

Renovations

Well to my faithful readers im sure you noticed that the blog is no longer the blog in black. I decided I wanted to do some layout changes and add some color to the blog, so here is my attempt at that. Let me know what you think.

BW

Simple Plan

On my way to class this morning I heard a song on the radio that I have not hears in a long time, and it just seemed to fit my life right now. I swear I will get over this little mood soon and get back to my normal self.

"Perfect"Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend thatI'm alright
And you can't change me'

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far awayAnd it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright'

Cuz we lost it all Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand'

Cuz we lost it all Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect'

Cuz we lost it all Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

A Rant/temper tantrum

Ok,

So it has been a while since I have gone of a ranting raving temper tantrum, but God fucking damnit, I am sick and tired of my Dad being an ass. Let me back up a minute here and say that my older brother is an aerospace engineer with airbus, my sister a school teacher, and me, the 24 year old college student. This all started about a month ago, my dad got this e-mail with all kinds of questions, he then forwarded it me and my brother, my brother got it and answer all of the questions correctly, I did not get it till later and I looked at the questions and got all the answers as well. I didn’t respond with the answers, figured my brother already had, no need to be redundant, at dinner we were discussing my brother and sister, dad proceeded to make a comment that made it sound like I was the retard of the family, and when I objected his response was “well, like you would have been able to answer those questions. For the fucking record my ACT score is higher than my sisters and 2 points lower than my brothers (23, 26, 28 respectively) and my SAT score is higher than either of theirs. Well I blew it off, then he did it again, and I blew that off. Well tonight he was at a club (a club I happen to be an officer at) and they were discussing a news story about spanking children. He told them that he has spanked all his children, ones an engineer with airbus, ones a school teacher, the only one that it seemed to effect was me. Ya know, fuck you dad, I am sick of putting up with being put down by you. I have over a 3.0 GPA the last two semesters, a B average overall. I am sorry that I had a couple of bad semester a couple of years ago, that whole hiding being gay and being absolutely terrified of what you would do if you found out you arrogant condensing son of a bitch, I’m sorry all that fucked with my head for a while. I’m sorry I have been accepted to an advanced double degree program because I am stupid, or inferior somehow. Because I don’t know jack shit about sports and would rather go to Les Miserables or Phantom of the opera, or Trans-Siberian Orchestra concerts than a ballgame that makes me stupid. I’m sorry I am not like my 14 year old nephew who you think walks on water because he can play sports and quote all the stats off the top of his head, I’m sorry he is damn near flunking out of school, but boy can he throw that ball. I’m sorry he is more the son you wanted than me, but stop putting me down mother fucker.
Ok, my rant is done now, I am recomposed, back to the calm cool, iceman I have grown used to being.

BW

We interupt this blog to bring you

Ok,

I have finally caught up with myself long enough to post something to the blog, so for those who have missed me, I’m back. So let me recap the last couple of weeks for you. It started with the remodel on my room. Well that became a disaster, we ended up having to pull up and the carpet because of a half ass patch job a previous owner had done, which because of the way we had to take up the old carpet to get to the messed up subfloor, I got new carpet, which meant having to completely empty the room. On top of that I had to help my sister with a project that she just had to have done immediately ( I mix all of the music for the cheerleaders she coaches), and help two friends with computer problems (the problem was determined to be located between the back of the chair and the keyboard). Throw a holiday in there and I am flat running out of time to get shit done. I also had to write three papers, two of them were simple and I just turned in some bullshit to get a grade and get the hell out of that god forsaken class. However, the third one, it was for my political philosophy class, Troystopher and Alternative blog know a bit about this paper. Well, to be honest, it became an obsession. The assignment was to do an 8-10 page paper addressing one of 20 questions the instructor gave us, or create our own scenarios and write a fictional paper that addresses our questions. I choose the fiction option, I ended up turning in a 22 page paper with a 3 page paper explanation. Now if you think that was obsessive enough, I’m not done yet, I created enough back story, character information, I have two legal pads worth of material that could be developed into at least another 100 pages of material, I could damn near write a book. So that has been my life for the last two weeks, work, school, work, school, I haven’t slept much, and have lived off of Sobe No Fear and Adrenaline Rush to keep me moving and halfway conscious. In other news however, I did have three tests cancelled this week, so now I just have final exams to take and I am done this year, no more papers or tests until next year. Well I am off to get some sleep.

In Closing, I was watching and SNL marathon today and figured I would share some quotes

“Schmitts Gay Beer, if you’ve got a thirst and your gay reach for a Schmitts Gay” (Seriously go search Schmitts Gay on YouTube, its funny)

“Don’t be a slut wipe your but” – from a sex ed class sketch

“Dick in a box” – JT with his dick in a box need I say more

And of course the ambiguously gay duo Ace and Gary

BW

Remodel

Ok so here are some pics of my home renovation project, right now it is a work in progress, Hope to have it dont sometime in the next couple of weeks.

Holidays

So here comes one of those things that just pisses me off. I have been out shopping at various stores, and since a couple of weeks before Halloween Christmas decorations were already appearing in stores. Now I am not anti Christmas, but come on, the middle of October is to damned early for Christmas shit to appear in stores. Well the weekend after Halloween I went shopping with my mom and what did I hear in the stores, Christmas music playing. I know it gets worse every year, but I remember 5 years ago the “official start” of the holiday shopping season. Now stores can’t get transitioned fast enough from fall to a brief layover at Halloween before throwing Christmas up, thanksgiving is basically passed over anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind Christmas, I don’t mind holiday music, but I don’t want to hear or see it in October. Oh well, guess that is the way it goes then. In other news, I am going to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra again in St Louis on December 9th at the Scott Trade Center, I managed to score event floor level seats dead center about 30 rows from the stage. So after thanksgiving I have decided to share some holiday music on the blog, I will of course be posting some TSO, but I will also be posting my favorite holiday song from last year from The Dan Band.
BW

PS Remodel progress pics posted tonight

life

Ok,

So I have hit that post midterm point of not giving a damn and just wanting to be done with classes, homework, and papers for a little while. I always find this to be worse during the fall semester after midterms, because it’s getting, darker, colder, and everything around is dying. Not that I am a big fan of summer or anything, but at least it’s not as dreary. So what have I been doing instead of homework? Well I have been remodeling a bedroom, I will post some pictures of that soon, as well as the final product of the two room renovation I have been doing. I have also been surfing the internet a lot. I guess sooner or later I need to get my ass moving, I have a lot of stuff I have to catch up on right now, it seems like I went from being a head to being behind overnight. Oh, well I will get around to a bigger post on something important later. But in other news. I have kinda/sorta met a guy, problem is guy don’t know it yet, so here is a set up of this, feel free to tell me if you think I am being a stalker here. There is a guy that comes into the bank I work at to cash his paychecks, well I had noticed certain things that set off the gayday, well one night I was looking at one of my friends myspace profiles, and looked at his friends list to see if he had any of our old friends listed that I didn’t. Well while going through his list I found the guy from work who ill call paycheck guy. Well I checked out paycheck guys profile and it confirmed my observations. So I added him as a friend. Paycheck guy face me a weird look the last time he was in but I didn’t wait on him, and couldn’t bring myself to really say anything to him. I mean he is attractive and seems to have a nice personality. I just have never been comfortable talking to guys I am interested in. I can talk in front of large rooms, talk with elected officials and be perfectly comfortable put a guy in front of me I want to get to know better and I become uber shy and wont speak. So feel free to tell me if I am a myspace stalker of tell me what my hang up here is and any helpful advice anyone might have on this.


BW

Homophobia

Whether you are homosexual or not, you should repost this in support of your friends and loved ones who are. Start a conversation with those around you. Love is not defined by color, creed, or gender.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my husband of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am a warrior for my country serving proud, but can't be my true self because gays aren't allowed in the military.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson". My name is Matthew Shepard.

On October 7, 1998 Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson lead Matthew to a remote area east of Laramie, Wyoming where they demonstrated unimaginable acts of hate. Matthew was tied to a split-rail fence where he was beaten and left to die in the cold of the night. Almost 18 hours later he was found by a cyclist who initially mistook him for a scarecrow. Matthew died on October 12 at 12:53 am at a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. KILLED BECAUSE HE WAS GAY!!!

Separation of Church and State: The Independence of Thought and Function

Yesterday I was speaking to a group of students (my sister’s class (she is the teacher)) about government, politics, and our state. During the question session, I was asked why during the tour of the state capitol building there was a chapel in the building since in this country we have a separation of church and state. Now this might be sounding like the beginning of another one of my endless rants on religion, but don’t worry this isn’t going there. Now here goes my best shot at constitutional interpretation, and personal opinion. First off, as I have said before people founded this county who fled Europe due to a persecution of their religious beliefs, the Puritans and the Quakers (not the oats people). In the first amendment to the Constitution in the Bill of Rights, its first three words are Freedom Of Religion, and it specifies that congress shall make no laws respecting the establishment of a national religion, or prohibit the free exercise thereof. Then there is the ninth amendment, it protects rights not specifically enumerated in the bill of rights and that interpretation of the constitution and the bill of rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. On our money the words IN GOD WE TRUST is printed, our pledge of allegiance included ONE NATION UNDER GOD, the bill of rights says that all men are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights among them Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. My point is that religion has also been a cornerstone of our country, however, at the same time a building cannot stand on just one cornerstone. Freedom to practice the beliefs of your choice has also always been a part of our country and its founding as well. I have no problem with an athlete praying before a game, I have no problem with a student who prays is school, I have a problem with mandatory time for “silent reflection” Not every student prays, not every student believes in the same religion, I don’t think this should be something that is forced. I firmly believe in the separation of church and state religion should not be legislated, just as social issued should be considered on merit rather than religious ideology. It’s a fine line, and I know its hard to walk on one side or the other of that line. The founding fathers went through great difficulty in setting up the governance of this country and protecting the rights of the people. So back to the original cause of this question, do I object to a chapel (it’s a room set aside in a corner of the first floor) being in the capitol building, no I don’t, because people are not forced to go there, there is not a mandatory prayer session held in the room, it is there so that if someone chooses to exercise their freedom to express their religion there is a place that they might do so. That’s not contrary to the separation of church and state, that exemplifies it.

Polling Data 2

Ok here are month two poll results, first number is last month’s totals, then gain/loss compared to last month’s totals, and finally, cumulative votes and percentages. Enjoy. Let month three begin

Democrats 8 total votes cast no change over month 1 cumulative 16 votes
Clinton 4 votes 50% gain of two votes over month one Cumulative 6 votes 37%
Obama 1 vote 12% loss of two votes cumulative 4 votes 25%
Edwards 2 votes 24% loss of one vote cumulative 5 votes 31%
Richardson 1 vote 12% gain of 1 vote cumulative 1 vote 6%

GOP – 6 Votes loss of 1 vote from month 1 cumulative 13 votes
Guiliani 1 vote 16% loss of one vote cumulative 3 votes 23%
Thompson 4 votes 66% gain of one vote cumulative 7 votes 53%
Romney 0 votes 0% loss of 2 votes cumulative 2 votes 15%
McCain 1 vote 16% gain of one vote cumulative 1 vote 7%

Faith

I have found myself thinking about faith and religion for a while and reading Cody over at alternative life has had me thinking some more and this is the result. With the exception of 4 years of hell known as high school, I received most (1 year in the public during grade school) in private parochial schools. As a result, I have at least some education in the church and church doctrine. I will say here that I no longer believe in the church, I do believe in a higher power of some sort and I believe in fate and destiny and that the universe has a funny way of bringing people into our lives when we need them the most. So where is this headed? Well I keep getting asked by people to define my religious beliefs so here I go. First, one of my biggest bitches with the church is over money. I have worked in banks and have seen some deposits made into church accounts and they aint small people. I see clergy driving 30-40 thousand dollar cars and wearing designer clothes. I have also seen fist hand some of the multi-million dollar churches dedicated to “worship”. So what is my problem with this? In the bible, Jesus led a sermon on the mount; nowhere in the bible does it say to build houses of wealth and vanity to worship the lord. My problem is with multimillion-dollar churches being built while the sick the hungry and the homeless sleep in the streets in the shadows of that million-dollar building. If the entire monetary wealth of the Roman Catholic Church were applied towards doing the work of the lord rather than the trappings of feudal theocracy built on wealth power and greed, what would this world look like? The institution of the church itself is not the house of god, its a billion dollar a year business, not for profit my ass. You wan worship god from a garage, from a tents, or anywhere else, people can gather to worship. My other bitch is the hypocritical judgmental assholes that stands at a pulpit and spout the “words of god” to the applause of those who are too fucking brainwashed to read the book and find the answers for themselves. The bible in black and white says judge not others least ye shall be judged thyself, it also says to love the sinner but hate the sin. I find it funny that Christians can damn homosexuals to hell and treat us like shit and try to keep us from having the same rights as straights in this world because if we want to get technical about things then slavery is perfectly fine, so is polygamy, and we shouldn’t eat shellfish or tough pigs skin. I find it amazing that they can justify what parts to leave in and what parts to ignore as out of date passages, if they can interpret out one part then they can shut the fuck up over another. My last bitch is this, Christians have been one of the most persecuted groups in the history of the world and also one of the greatest offenders of genocide, murder, and torture in the history of the world. I find it amazing the Christians in this country forget that if not for a group of people seeking to escape persecution for their beliefs this country would not exist as it does today, so what in the hell gives the church the right to dictate to anyone what they should believe, how they should live their lives, and who they should love. I’m not anti religion, and I respect anyone right to the beliefs of their choice, if someone chooses to believe the world is flat that don’t affect me, if a person believes in Allah, Buddha, of God its doesn’t affect what I believe, and Who I love, Who I want to marry won’t affect them . Ok end of rant, I am sure I will be catching some shit over this one.

We the People, In order to form a more perfect union

As any person such as myself who is interested in politics, this time of year is fun for us with presidential politics in the air, this year I have been playing attention to all of the candidates and have especially how they handle questions of gay marriage/unions and gay rights and their various positions on those issues. Now I am not going to get into a detailed post about gay rights or gay marriage, I have done that already and there is no need to regurgitate old news. What I am going to take a swing at is the accusation that this whole gay marriage thing is nothing more than activist judges attempting to legislate from the bench. Now I, as a student of government, believe in the separation of branches of government and the autonomy of each to perform its necessary duties. But my question is what do you do when a branch of government fails to do its duty, or allows outside special interests to unduly influence their deliberations, what do you do then, is it then the responsibility of one of the other branches to step in where the others fail to perform? In my opinions legislatures and executives have failed to take one the issue of gay rights, and it doesn’t matter what party either, the only difference is on party tells us to our faces they won’t help us, the other promises us everything but sells us out behind closed doors. There are plenty of states in this county who have sufficient majorities in their legislatures and Governors offices to pass gay rights legislation and at the very least civil unions, so the question is why. It all comes down to winning elections, no matter what party, it just like it was in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s anyone who actively supported equal rights for blacks was all but committing political suicide. Just watch the democratic candidates closely while they will respond to questions about gay marriage watch their careful non-committal response. The truth is, as long as we continue to let the neo-conservative right and the evangelical right dictate national policy then nothing will change. I wonder how many of their followers would be so faithful if their sins where to be posted on the front page of the times or tribune. So back to the Judges, if a legislature fails to act, then damn right a judge, or anyone else with the ability and power to do the right thing have the stones to stand up and do the right thing. Perhaps if legislators both state and national would grow a pair of balls and quit selling them off to the highest bidder and pandering to every interest group who walks by, what kind of would we/could we live in. I’ve said it before a new civil war is brewing in this country, not between north and south, but a war of ideology, and unless more people start to call for true equality and understanding on both sides, we are headed for a very dark future indeed. Until then bravo to anyone in a position to make a change who has the stones to do it.

Alcohol and Tests

Ok, So I am starting to think I have found a new study program. I went out drinking the night before midterms, and I ace them. I go out drinking before my last geography test and I ace it also. So I am starting to think I am onto something. Now here is a preview for you of what is to come, I am working on a new post, a return to my political commentary, and this one you dont want to miss, so stay tuned sports fans.

Family

I know just about every parent has difficulty when their kid sits them down and says I’m gay. Now when I say difficulty that does not necessarily mean a bad thing, to some difficulty could mean trying to understand more about it, to others, it could mean a screaming temper tantrum and kicking the kid out of the house. I came out over a year ago and am still trying to deal with my parents. Neither one of them had what I would call a negative reaction but I’m still not sure they get it. Dad by far has been the most difficult one to deal with, he still makes comments about girls hoping I will find one attractive. He also doesn’t want me to “flaunt it” around him, so basically what that means to me is if/when I do meet a nice guy and want to bring him home for dinner I had best just not. I know I should be patient with him but at what point is it going too far to make him comfortable with my life. Then there is mom, I think she means well but has her head in the sand. Kind of like when I was in drivers education, she would never let me drive the damned car, it was raining, or it was overcast, or the sun was shining at a bad angle, It was a family friend who ended up doing a lot of driving with me because mom would do it. Now I should point out I have a gay cousin on moms side of the family, but he lives the life of the permabachelor. So that’s what from her background being gay is living the life a perpetual bachelor, to her it hasn’t dawned on her yet that I will meet someone and fall in love with a man, I had a date one night and she told me it wasn’t a date, I was just out with a friends. So I don’t know, I would think after 12 months something would be dawning on them, I don’t want to push the matter, but how much should I bend for them. How long until I break trying to meet their expectations of my life, honestly at times with them it’s like I never came out. Hell my religious sister has accepted it and even comments on cute guys around me. I tell mom I find a guy cute and I get this look.

The Big 5-0-0

Yup, I have had 500 page loads since August 30th 2007. I have to admit when I started this blog, I never expected that in a little over 2 months I would have 500 page loads, I never knew that many people would care about my rants or disturbed views of the world. So for my reader who has a thing for statistics here is some info for ya:
Visiting Nations: United States – 378, United Kingdom – 20, Canada – 14, Australia – 13, Netherlands – 6, Italy, Spain, Hong Kong – 3 each, China, Denmark, Ly, Portugal, South Africa – 2 each, France, Ireland, Sweden, Taiwan, India, Saudi Arabia, Brazil, Bolivia, Poland, Switzerland, United Arab Emirates – 1 each.
My top 2 referrers are Troystopher, A boys Life in Utah, and Alternative Life.
So there ya go just for my loyal, statistics loving, reader.

But seriously thanks to all the readers. There is more yet to come. Let’s see if I can hit 1,000 by Jan 1.

Midterm Update.

Alrighty then, So this is one of the I was wrong posts. My midterm in my Political Philisophy class, I thought I was on the C/B bubble. well I was wrong. I didnt get a C, and I didnt get a B. I got an A instead, so yup I was wrong.

BW

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

Let me begin by saying that I am intentionally leaving out a lot of details from this and I ask that anyone who has heard any details not included herein to please not add them in, please trust my judgment on this one.

So I was at a party and ended up hooking up with a semi random guy. We will him USA Guy. Well while unlike most random hook ups we actually laid there and talked after we finished. One of the things we talked at length about was relationships and how neither one of us was really relationship material right now, mainly because at this point we are both career and goal driven, and anything more than friends just wouldn’t be fair, also add in the fact he is currently living many miles away from here. However, USA guys circumstances are a bit different than mine, my being gay won’t preclude me from my profession or finding a job I will enjoy when I finish my degrees. USA guy on the other hand, is gay and in the US Army, something he admits he loves doing even though under current rules he has to hide a very big and important part of himself. Every since we met and had that discussion it has had me thinking. Honestly I don’t get don’t ask don’t tell, I have never been a fan of Bill Clintons and this is one of the reasons. During his campaign, for the presidency he promised the GLBT community that he would allow homosexuals to serve in the military, many believe he implied openly serve. As I see it DADT was and still is a pathetic excuse and attempt to fulfill a campaign promise, something Clinton excelled at, promising the world and delivering very little of it and somehow people love him for it. Now I have several friends in the armed forces and they all share the belief that they don’t care who the guy next to them sleeps with as long as they can shoot straight (no pun intended) when the times comes, and do their job to the best of their ability and look out for their fellow soldiers. And the argument I like the best is that DADT protects gay and lesbian soldiers from harassment and physical harm from fellow soldiers by keeping their sexual orientation a secret, but you tell me is the trade between potential physical assault and the mental/emotional damage of having to constantly hide who and what you are just to be accepted. Gays and Lesbians are required to pay taxes, they are allowed to vote, they are allowed to hold public office, but a homosexual is not allowed to take up arms in defense of their country because some Washington bureaucrat thinks they can tells homo’s what is and is not good for them. It’s kind of like the joke from when I worked at the county, the eight scariest words of all time are I’m from the government, I’m here to help. But anyway, I’m glad I got to spend at least some time with an insanely attractive, extremely smart, kind, caring guy maybe someday in this fucked up world he will be able to have both, a career he loves and a partner he can love openly, but until then to all the homo’s in the Armed forces, keep going, a new day will come, as it inevitably does, we might not see it in our generation, but it will come.

Adventures in Dating

Lately I have been thinking a lot about relationships. No let me preface this by saying, I don’t feel I need a boyfriend or will die without one. My point is, I honestly just want someone to be friends with who can relate to me. Now I admit like a lot of closeted guys, I never dated during High School so I guess you could say I am really new to this whole dating thing as it is. And I’ll admit I found myself falling for one guy, he problem is he was the guy I could never have, and I still wonder if anything I did helped lend itself to our estrangement now. I won’t go into details on that relationship, so don’t even ask, a few people know but that’s all that needs to know. Well over the last few months I have tried seeking out people to get to know, be friends with, well what I have found so far isn’t much so I decided to share my experience so far, after this we will continue
1. TargetGuy – well he seemed nice at first, just wanted to be friends, go see movies, hang out. Sounds exactly like what I am looking for. Well I was liking him, we had been talking on line and getting along rather well. Well he works in retail and asked me (knowing I used to work in retail) what I thought about it, well I being the blunt honest type that I am told him what I thought, I hated it. Well he went off on a tirade calling me a self-righteous know it all who couldn’t be happy for someone having a job they liked. Good for him, he likes working retail I didn’t end of story.
2. Old Guy – yeah he was just a creepy 54 year old who wanted a “son” to have sex with. Yeah, I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I am certainly not looking for some old man to have some fantasy/fetish relationship with.
3. Stuck up guy – now this guy was older, 38 which I am ok with that, it’s better than 54. He seemed like a nice guy. Well he wanted to see a picture, so I showed him one. We kept talking and then he left with “well nice to talk to but I can’t fuck you, your fat”. First I told they guy I was not looking for sex, I was just wanting to be friends with someone and see what developed. So he is off
4. Straight Guy – yeah he’s the one I fell for but can never have. He was cute, funny, and honestly understood me better than just about anyone. Easy to see why I fell for him ain’t it.

So yeah, I have been out for a year and fell for a straight guy, and the only people I have found while searching for people to even just be friends with have turned out to be old perverts, psychotic, and just plain stupid. So really im not sure what to do, is it me doing something wrong, is it just that this place isn’t the best location on earth for finding other gay guys to hang out with, and is it that rare to find a young (20-38) gay guy who wants more than a quick suck and fuck. I know I am only 24, and I should just be patient. Moreover, like I said I am not into a big hurry to rush into anything right now, because honestly I don’t have time for a relationship right now. And I know once I get out of this town I might have better luck also. So this is the end of my rant on adventures in dating (sounds like a bad 80’s movie don’t it)

Good morning blog fans,

Yeah, so getting woke up at 2 AM because mother nature wants to be a bitch just sucks ass. I don’t mind storms and severe weather, but could we get it timed a bit better. Well its official midterm weak is over, and out of four classes I have a C/B in Political Philosophy (not sure which one but it’s on the edge), B in Geography, Mid-level C in Biology (which for me is fandamntacstic), and (drum roll please) a midlevel B in Literature (that’s right the class with the bitch, I be making a B). Now all I have to do on my educational journey is to get UIS (University of Illinois Springfield) to remove their head from their ass (I know I am asking a lot now), I mean really is it too much to ask that the right hand know what the left is doing? I applied 6 weeks ago, well they tell me I didn’t submit a copy of my completed transcript from jr College (yes I did), well it turns out there is a glitch in their system that says because it still has an in process semester the system is saying I have not submitted a completed transcript and therefore won’t re-admit me (kinda nice they leave that all to a computer system ain’t it, tuition money at work?). Well they tell me there is this glitch and that they will transfer me to the person who needs to fix the problem, that person says there is no problem, yet my readmission is still blocked for some mystery reason. Be prepared, a great many things involving the University of Illinois Springfield just annoy they hell out of me, and I will probably blog about it on here so that I don’t actually tell the UIS administration that they can go blow it out their ass. So now you ask if it’s that bad why not go to another school. Well the reason is it is still a University of Illinois Degree, and I can still get the University of Illinois blue and gold ring. I mean honestly UIS is not a bad school, they have some great programs, their problem is the administration, and they way they treat the undergrad transfer students as opposed to golden haired little freshmen sophomore do no wrong students. But I’ll probably rant more on that later. So I guess what I am saying is take my UIS rants with a grain of salt, its mostly just me venting.

BW

Midterm Madness

Ok, so im happy right now, my last midterm has been canceled. Thats right, an instructor canceled a midterm, she told us through our repsonces so far we have shown a grasp of the subject and a midterm would just be redundent. So yippie. Also I have found a new blog I have started to live reading, check out alternative life, now in the links section of the blog.


BW

Update on the Run

Alrighty then, midterm one down, two tests left. both for the damned lit teacher, so I perfectly plan to fail, afterall you can only call her grossley incompotent or generally lazy so many times, plus the occasional use of the word bitch before she gets a bit pissed off at you. Oh well, as the old saying goes, if the shoe fits,

BW

BTW for the one who aksed. NO I AM NOT AN ACOHOLIC. IM A DRUNK get it right, alcoholics go to meetings, drunks go to the bar.

Beer, Midterms, Beer, and Vodka

Well I have wrapped up studying for midterms so I am inspired to blog on a personal favorite past time, and American collegiate tradition, ALCOHOL. Now I didn’t used to like beer. Only within the last few years did I acquire a taste for beer. Now I should say when it comes to my beer, its rare to see a domestic in my hand, if it is it is either Bud Select, MGD, or Free (in which case I shut the fuck up and drink it). If I am drinking beer, I love a nice import, something German, such as Spaten, and Oktoberfest beers are the best thing ever. Now I do like several US microbrew beers as well such as Rogue and Flying Dog. We have a bar not too far from where I live that has over 250 different beers available, so far my friends and I have put a good dent in that list. At the end of this I ll list some brands that I like. Now outside of beer, I like spirits as well. I am particularly fond of Rum and Vodka, but the occasional glass of a good Irish Whisky or Bourbon really hits the spot. Again some preferred brand will be listed at the bottom. Now what in the hell does this have to do with midterms you might ask. Well in the midst of studying for midterms I got side tracked and took a quiz on alcohol, and found a really cool site Beeripedia. Well my first midterm is Monday, so here is a toast to good luck. Bottoms Up.

Beer
Spaten Premium
Spaten Optimator
Spaten Oktoberfest
Guiness
Blue Moon
Chimay
Flying Dog
Rouge Dead Guy Ale
Rouge Chipotle Ale
Rouge Shakespeare Stout
Rouge Mocha Porter
Coopers Brewery Australia
Heineken
Berghoff – All
Leinenkugel Red, Sunset Wheat, Summer Shandy

Vodka
Stolichnaya
Skyy
Absolute
Titos
Effen
VOX

Rum
Captain Morgan
Bacardi 151
Bacardi 8

Whisky
Jameson’s
Bushmills

Bourbon
Woodford Reserve

Anthony Callea - Live For Love

anthony callea - rain

Shayne Ward - If That's Ok With You

Shayne Ward Music Video - No you hang up

Music Around the World

I have been listening to these two artist for a while now, Now I know my last post about looks so this might sound hypocrtical to some. But I dont really give a damn since its my blog and I can say almost anything I want.

First up is Shayne Ward

out of the UK, he won a show called the X factor in 2005 and since has had some rather good stuff, at least I think. And on a side note from everything I have read, Shayne, while straight is an avid supporter of Gay rights. From the pics and vids I have seen of him he seems a lot more genuine about who he is and what he does than a lot of the current american pop stars.

Second is Anthony Callea

Runner up of Australlian Idol. Anthony has an amazing voice, he can do pop, rock, and classical. Anthony cam out as gay earlier this year.

Its a shame neither of these two have much of a US following.

Clothes

Ya know, unlike many gay men, I hate shopping for clothes, mainly because I usually end up wanting to bitch slap the sales associate. I know I am overweight, but that is no reason for someone to be rude when I am looking for clothes. I was in an Aeropostal a couple weeks ago looking for some clothes for my nephew, and the sales associate walked up and actually told me that she didn’t think they would carry anything in my size, didn’t ask if I was shopping for myself or a gift. And I have had the satually looking for mStyself. I work in a job that requires me to dress in a professional manner (IE Shirt and Tie) I was looking for ties at a Macy’s and the look I got from the pencil thin sales associate just screamed his disdain for overweight people in his department. Now I know I am overweight, I know part of it is my own fault, but I am also 6’2” at no time in my life, even as a child have I been the pencil thin skin and bones type. Now I admit I could lose some weight but I am never, not in a million years going to be a size 25, or a size 16 neck on a dress shirt, unfortunately most of what I can find in my size is t-shirts about big dogs and shit. People wonder why people have self-esteem issues, why people had low self-image, and why people do dangerous and drastic measures to lose weight. It is just stupid how judgmental society can be. And it extends outside of the dressing room. It extends into dating; People will take one look at you and keep walking. You could be the nicest guy on earth, but if your too short, weight to much, you get passed over, it don’t matter if the hot guy at the end of the bar is a complete dick who will treat you like shit, that’s what it seems like most people are looking for. But then again when you turn on TV and all the guys have nice tans, six packs abs, bulging pecks, and the fat guys are the one who are either the comedy relief or the fat evil slob. And it’s the same for girls also; all the women have nice tans and big jugs. It’s no wonder people have the ingrained ideas about people, they are spoon fed from grammar school that the beautiful succeed and those who aren’t get left behind.

somewhere between raising hell and amazing grace

somewhere between raising hell and amazing grace

I heard this song on the radio this morning; it’s by Big & Rich. Now I don’t normally like country music, but this song, and that line kind of summed up my life right now pretty well. Especially with a situation going on at school right now, I am in a class with an instructor who is highly incompetent, and instead of sitting back and quietly failing; I am leading a small group in an organized revolt against the instructor. It seems like no matter how hard I try to stay out of shit like this I end up pulled into the middle of it, so for now here I sit somewhere between raising hell and amazing grace.

1 year ago

Preface: This is another post that has taken me a little while to write, and has gone through more drafts than some papers I have turned in for a grade. Hope you all enjoy, hopefully soon I will be back to my old sarcastic form of social commentary.

It has been 1 year since I officially came out, not exactly to the day, but that’s because I honestly don’t remember the day, it was all such a blur at the time. I know it was one night in mid October, sitting on the front porch of my house, and it was cold that night. As we sat outside the question came, no more dodging the issue, two of the most difficult words I have ever said came next. Over the next two weeks I began to tell friends and family the same thing, it didn’t go as bad as I thought it would and for the most part was me with the response of, it’s about time you figured it out, and from my sister, And I thought you had a minors in psychology. One year later, I emotionally and physically feel better than I did before, I am for the most part happier, I still have some stressful issues, but those deal with walking out of a fulltime job, returning to school full time, and having to move back in with my parents (some bad memories are there). But now one year later I still wonder where I am personally, and find myself wondering if I will ever know. I still find myself looking around to see who is around if I go to the gay bar (which I have only been too three times), and I still get uncomfortable with the idea of dating. It’s not that I don’t want to meet someone, or go out with someone; I just don’t know where to look. And I know it’s not easy in this area, this isn’t exactly the best place for a gay social life, and is something that isn’t event really accepted out in the open, here it is more of an underground thing, we have one gay bar and it doesn’t even have a sign. And then there are the parents. My dad is still a wild card, I figure as long as he don’t have to deal with a potential boy friend then he will be fine, in other words my sister could bring her boyfriend’s home for dinner, from what he says about not flaunting it around the house means any potential boyfriend and I should probably eat out somewhere. Then there is mom, I hate to say I think she is delusional, or at least has her head in the sand. It’s like she can hear the words “I’m Gay” but she can’t comprehend the meaning of that, now I have a cousin on moms side of the family who is gay, but who lives alone. It’s like her idea of being gay is the life a permanent bachelor, she has even made comments about how when I get done with college and move out about how I would live alone, it’s like she doesn’t understand that when I find the right guy, hopefully I won’t be living alone. I done want to push my parents, but at the same time I feel suffocated by them when it comes to a social life, I have to justify why I’m not home or why I leave or why I stay out, even though she swore to me she wouldn’t do that to me. Then there is the fact I’m not out at work, it also hasn’t came up and when and if it does I will tell the truth there. Then there is the group I am an officer in, I like what I do, but I know if it were common knowledge that I’m gay I would be ran out the door by the old guard members. But I don’t really mind that because I don’t think I need to walk around carrying a big sign that proclaims I’m gay to everyone I encounter, mainly because I don’t think it matters and in the setting of this particular group in no way does it affect my ability of responsibility. I guess the best way I can sum this up (so I don’t start/continue rambling) is that despite being out for a year feel like I have accomplished something, but I’m not sure what, it’s like I’m standing on the other side of an open door looking into an infinite space not sure how to proceed. I guess I should just be patient with myself and those around me, but it just sucks sitting back and hoping things will work out in the end.

Stupid People

Ok, here is the post that I had written and planned to post the other day when I had to go off on the events around where I live. Well now that I have had to some time to cool off after that and go back over this one (which was almost as equally irate, now it’s just bitchy) I have decided to go ahead and post it.

Ok, I know I have commented on stupid people before, but there is this guy who sits behind me in one of my classes who at least 5 people in the class want to just walk up to a deck the little bastard. He is one of those who has to offer his opinion on everything, and as I have said I can respect someone who disagrees with me as long as they can at least make an intelligent argument. But this kid is such a fucking idiot. He rants and raves on the evils of stuff made in china, but he has at least 3 pairs of Nikes, and last time I checked those are not made in the USA. But the one that really pissed me off is him and his little jackass friend got discussing the war one day, now I have my own faults with the war but I still support the troops. These two little assholes got on the subject of how people in the army are stupid and how they should all be treated as killers. They then got on the subject of free speech. And proceeded to go off on how there is no free speech in the United States because the government won’t let anyone speak against it. Now while I believe we have reached a point of over censorship, I think we still have free speech, I also wanted to take my laptop slam his face down and make him read the screen about the people shot in Myanmar for peacefully demonstrating against the government. Last time I checked none of the peace protests or protests against the president have ended with protestors being gunned down in the streets and police curfew being enforced. Its real easy to sit in a comfortable classroom, in your nice cloths, able to spout whatever bullshit you can come up with, but just once, I would like to send some of these people to places like Iran, Myanmar, North Korea, Cuba, and let them talk shit about the government and learn the true meaning of an oppressive government, the true meaning of free speech, but hey they obviously dislike this country so much and think our government is so evil and cruel, those places would be like a good vacation for them

BW

Polling Date

Well month 1 of the presidential survey is over. And the results are in, and by no means is this scientific or accurate. So here are the final results of month 1

Democrats
Clinton 2 Votes = 25%
Obama 3 Votes = 37%
Edwards 3 Votes = 37%
Richardson 0 Votes = 0%

Republicans
Guiliani 2 Votes = 28%
Thompson 3 Votes = 42%
Romney 2 Votes = 28%
McCain 0 Votes = 0%

The polls will now be reset and month two of polling will begin. Next month will also me a cumulative average of month two and month 1.

A Modern Revolution

I was riding around town with a friend last night, now keep in mind he has his BA in Political Studies, Im working on mine in the same field, we are both former republicans who are totally disgusted with the party, and if you ask us both to name our favorite President you will probably get an Answer of Theodore Roosevelt. Well last night while riding around town we got into a political discussion about the future of the Republican Party, and of the country as a whole. Based on polling numbers right now, with the top three Republican candidates for president not being high on the favorite list of the evangelicals, I made the prediction that another schism could be coming in the GOP. Historically this is nothing new. Theodore Roosevelt split with the Republican party in 1912 and ran on a progressive bull-moose ticket against his handpicked successor. Roosevelt ran again for the presidency because he was fed up with the ultra conservative shift the party had taken. I will spare a lot of the boring (to most) details of the conversation but we came to a point where we were talking about the ultra conservatives today who are pushing all of the moderates and progressive members of the party right out the door. And the question came up, if their where to be the rise of a new third party between the ultra liberal wing of the democrats, and the ultra conservative republicans, if it was put to you to lead the movements, could/would you do it. Now historically this has happened before, the old Whig party ceased to exist after splits in the democrats and wigs formed the Republican Party. Could this be the beginning of the end of the GOP, is this all just a repetitively vicious cycle. The other, far more horrific outcome we came up with was that things are going to continue to get worse; the government will become the Hobbs model of a leviathan that ensures obedience by just scarring the hell out of the people. Now ideally the model would be that of Locke where the people are the leviathan and the government should fear the people and be obedient to the people. The horrific part of that is in order for that kind of “revolution” to happen it would require the vast majority of the population to unite in one voice behind one person/entity to lead the population in this revolution, and in order for that to happen would take a massive and catastrophic catalyst that would pale 9/11 in comparison. So again the question posed, could you be that person, could you be the one to lead the country to a middle road, and not even the country could you do it on a state level, could you be the one to lead? And honestly neither one of us could say yes to that question.

Beyond words

I had written a blog post earlier today based on something that happened earlier today in one of my classes. However, given some conversations I have had with friends lately, and something that was overheard at work today, I felt I had to post this. Now keep in mind I do not normally engage in small town gossip so I will not profess to know any of the following as fact, the point is the situation and the response of the person that led to the writing of this entry.

First the set up

Last week in one of the small towns around where I live four seniors on the local HS football team committed some type of hazing against two freshmen members of the team. While no official details have been released, it has been said that the act was of a sexual nature. Piecing together what I have been told by various sources familiar with the situation, what happened was that the two younger boys where held down and forced to perform some type of sexual act on one or more of the older students. This has rightfully so, caused an entire town to go into an uproar and talks of criminal charges have begun. Regardless of what happened in that locker room, it was wrong and those responsible deserve to be punished, because based on some of the accounts of what happened that I have heard what these boys did is beyond words.
Now that you have an idea of what went on, at least as much as I am going to tell you (I will not indulge more rumors than I already have here). Well today at work ( I work in a small town bank that is about 5-10 miles from the town in question) and a customer came in who is from that town and has children in the school there, I would guess she was in her mid 40’s to early 50’s. Well one of our employees asked her what she had heard and was discussing the whole situation and the customers response was this:

“Well if you ask me it’s all this homosexual (she said it as if it’s a disease)tolerance, you know all these queers on TV and in movies, doing their perverted acts, these kids are just getting the wrong idea about sex from those disgusting influences. And besides we all know its gay men who molest little boys”

Well this conversation continued after I removed myself from the area, no one at this job knows I am gay, and I will say that none of them in various discussions has made any remarks in any way close to what that woman said and the employee she said it too was highly offended when she left. But that is exactly the mentality of people that I hate. For the statistical record, the majority of child molesters are Heterosexual White Males, with Heterosexual White Females in second place. Moreover, clinically, pedophiles often choose victims regardless of their gender; the attraction to them is the prepubescent phase where sex organs are not yet fully developed. It just pisses me off there are people out there who honestly think this shit and go around spouting it in public like it’s the fucking gospel. I have heard this argument before; I had a friend that a local church wanted removed from the school because he would spread his homosexual infestation to the rest of the student body. Days like today, and small minded fucks like the bitch today make me wish I were away from these small town racist, homophobic, assholes.

The Race for 2016

Hey Hey two post in one day, this is new for me. As a political studies major one thing I find absolutely fascinating is the bid process for the Olympic Games, it’s a political study unto itself. So now behind the two-year race for the right to host the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. With seven applicant cities from around the world, this is going to shake up to be an interesting bid process, especially given the recent charges of corruption in the bid process. Anyway, here are the seven cities with bids underway and a few speculations on each. At the end, I will give my short list predications, and a preliminary on how I think an IOC vote would shake down if held today.

The Cities
Baku Azerbaijan
One of two asian cities in the mix this year with a population of around 1.1 million, Bake has never bid for the olympic games.


Chicago USA
Chicago is no first timer in bidding for the Olympics with bids for the 1904, 1952, and 1956 summer games. Chicago was selected as the host city of the 1904 games before they got moved to St. Louis to go along with the worlds fair, a move that proved to eclipse the games by the worlds fair. Does Chicago have what it takes to carry the US to hosting the games after the NYC 2012 bid fell apart at the eleventh hour?

Doha Qatar
The only city from the Persian Gulf to bid, with a population under 400,000.

Madrid Spain

Madrid is another contender who has experiance in the bid process after unsuccessful bids in 1972, as well as other spannish bids for 2004, 2008, 1998, and 2010 spain has its share of losses, but can they pull it off this year. Spain last hosted the 1992 Barcelona Games.

Prague Czech Republic

Prague bid for the 1924, but the Czech Republic so far has never hosted an olympic games.

Rio de Janiero Brazil

Rio has bid for the 1936, 2004,and 2012 games (Rio failed to make the 2012 short list). So far no South American city has hosted the Olympics. However with the recent success of the Pan American Games this could be Rio's year to suprise us yet.

Tokyo Japan
Tokyo has hosted the games before in 1964, and Japan with Nagano 1998. The nations last bid was for the 2008 games wonby Beijing. Will the IOC go for another repeat right after london? either way Tokyo is a serious contender.

Short List Predictions

At this point, my early(Very early) short list prediction is as follows

Short list:

Chicago, USA

Madrid, Spain

Rio de Janiero, Brazil

Tokyo, Japan

Cut List:

Baku

Doha

Prague

IOC Vote Predictions

I look for Rio to bow out early, They are good, but I think the sentiment is there to put the games in South Africa Before South America, Cape Town 2020 has paid their dues and they should be next. I also look for Tokyo to go out in round 2, with an Asian city hosting in 8and a three time host in 2012 I don’t look for the IOC to go with another previous host city. I look for the final round to be between Chicago and Madrid, and this is hard to call, I think the 2012 host (London) hurts Madrid since they are both European cities and traditionally the games are not held back to back on the same continent. But it’s early and a lot can change in two years. So stay posted.

A Blog About Nothing

Well so much for my attempts to post something everyday huh? Oh well, I do what I can, its not like I have a mass readership who misses me anyway. The main reason I do this isn’t to provide entertaining readings, or insightfulness to others, but to provide an outlet for myself, no matter what the topic may be, I just want to be able to throw a rant if I want, or to put into written form some type on introspection on myself and my motives at times. So whatever. And for those paying attention, if I seem a bit out of it or in a mood, I kind of am. I sat up all night thinking about stuff. Recently I have had several people tell me they like talking to me because I seem to have it all together and figured out, and that’s what got me thinking, do I really have things figured out. For almost 3 years I spent it being cold, a distanced from a lot of things, as a result I don’t really feel comfortable at times when it comes to relationships. Don’t get me wrong I have several friends that I like being around and hanging out with, but when it comes to looking for a boyfriend, I kinda suck at it, if I manage to meet someone I can usually fuck it up because I get nervous or don’t know what to say or how to act and the person gets away. Let me explain here also that I am able to relax around my friends, people I know and who know me and I feel I can let my guard down around. Honestly I don’t what to do sometimes, its like there are two sides to me, the one that can go out with his friends be relaxed and comfortable, and the one who still looks at what cars are in the parking lot and who’s inside of a bar or restaurant before I will go in. And for those who think I am exaggerating, during the campaigns that’s how it was, anytime it was a group of us from the campaign we would have to look at who was around and determine if we would stay if we did, how would we act, what would we say, what topics would be off limits, who might overhear something, that the thought process we had to use a lot and I half wonder am I still in that frame of mind. Add on top of that at the time trying to keep up enough defenses to not let anyone in on my hidden secrets. I know I have been out for almost a year, and I know I can’t expect changes overnight, but I thought I might be able to shed some more of these thing by now. At least by most accounts I’m not the complete cold heartless prick I was 18 months ago.

That just ain’t right

Ok, let me start this with a little history of myself, I have now owned 5 cars

1993 Oldsmobile Cutlass Cieria Delux (Engine Blew up)
1994 Mazda 929 S (wrecked)
2000 Pontiac Sunfire SE (hated)
2003 Chevrolet Monte Carlo LS (engine problems $$$$$$ to fix)
2005 Pontiac Grand Prix limited (my princess)

Now for the that just aint right, out of those five cars, 4 are domestic brands, 1 foreign brand, and none manufactured in the United States, The Olds, and the Sunfire were built in Mexico, the Mazda in Japan, and the Monte and Prix in Canada. Now what really kills me, especially now, is that I can go buy a Hyundai or a Toyota and get a car that was built within the continental USA, but if I go to buy a GM or some fords, I get a car built either in Mexico or Canada. I mean really now, what the hell, We cant afford to build GM cars here because of labor costs, but Hyundai’s and Toyotas which are cheaper cars than GM’s are built here and selling like hot cakes. Oh well, just a little momentary rant, we can chalk this one up to the bottle of wine I drank before posting this.

BW

Chicago 2016

The new logo for the Chicago 2016 US Olympic bid city. Say what you will, if Chicago can pull it off, the Olympic Games would provide a huge boost to the economies of every town from Chicago to St. Louis. So here is the the new logo:
(PS. I still like the old torch logo better, but still not bad)



BW

What do you want?

That seems like a simple question doesn’t it. From childhood most of spend our time doing what other want us to do, clean your room, do your chores, do your homework, go to bed, we do what we are told at work, in some cases we do what our partners tell us to do. My point here is at what point is it ok to be selfish, at what point can you step back from everyone else telling you what to do, what they expect and say this is what I want, this is what I want to do, to be, to think.

In some cases, in my case, I spent so much time trying to be what everyone else expected of me that I kept burying more and more the parts of me that did not live up to those expectations. And where did it get me in the end, a breakdown, damn near pushing away the few people left that actually gave a damn?

So again, what do I want?
I want to be able to be who I am and not give a damn what other think or expect of me. I want to finish my degree and start doing what I enjoyed again, politics, except this time on my own terms, in my own way. I want to live in a world that doesn’t care or discriminate based on who I love or what I do in my personal time.

Unfortunately this is the real world, and on some level there will always be someone to tell you what to do, and ultimately if you like it or not you have to do it. But every now and then its ok to be selfish, tell someone no once in a while if you don’t want to do something that person wants you to do. Oh well this isn’t as deep as the last one of these posts I put on ( see who are you) but it says what I want it to. Part 3 will becoming when I get motivated to write it.

BW

Morality

I am again going to channel my Political Philosophy class here, the last couple of day we have been discussing estrangement, power, and touched on morality. In response to the argument by Thomas Hobbs that the only way to keep people in line is a gigantic leviathan like government that would make everyone get along, in response I have asked the question who tells the leviathan what is right and wrong. My point in this is who dictates morality, who is to say what is morally right or wrong. Certain things can go without question, murder, torture and things like that but other things are vaguer. Morality is a big word and has implications further reaching and more deeply rooted than anything else in our culture root. Again who makes the rules, who makes the morals, who says homosexuality is immoral, what makes that person right, or what makes them wrong. Take the case in Utah, Polygamy, while I do not question it being immoral to force a 14 year old into an arranged marriage, who is it to say that multiple (of age to consent) wives is immoral. The problem as I see it is so many of our “moral” standards are based on a Christian viewpoint of what is morally acceptable, but does that infringe on the constitutionally guaranteed freedom of religion is it truly freedom of your religious belief when the laws you must live and abide by are based on a moral code that may not be the same as your own faiths code of moral conduct. For example, what gives a Christian the right to prevent me from taking another man as my husband, does the fact I have sex with a man effect their life, does my love for a man effect their life, so what makes their “moral” beliefs superior to my own or my won superior to theirs, can both exist? Is there a compromise somewhere? So here is the real kicker question, is morality the root of human estrangement, or is morality a power to be sought and wielded to keep others in line with your way of thinking? Moreover, as the introduction to my Political Philosophy book says, I will spend my time asking questions; it is up to you to find the answers.

Deep Thoughts

BW

Allllllllllllllllrighty then.

Sorry I have not been keeping my word on trying to post everyday, but this weekend has been hectic at best. Friday I had an event I had to be at 30 minutes after I got off work, Saturday I went out with friends drank with them, went home and drank some more just for good measure, then today I had to move furniture around and get my office fixed back up. Kind of makes for a busy weekend
So there is really no point to this post really. I tried to think of some issue to bring up, or something to go off on a rant about but I am just not working with a full load this weekend. I will say I am kind of pissed about my TV of only 5 years going out on me, the damned thing. So I guess get to come up with the money to buy a new TV. Right now I am looking at either a 47 or 50 inch Vizio HD LCD. Well anway, no point in me rambling on about nothingness, but I promise, Monday I will have a post of some substance ready to rock and roll.

BW

An American Education

I saw it when I was in High School, and I see it again now that my nephew is in High School. Teacher who only teach the politically correct, tell what we did right and leave out the rest. I have flipped through my old HS textbook on history and my nephews, nowhere in either book is the American internment of Japanese Americans during World War 2 mentioned, but there is plenty of time spent damning the Nazis for imprisoning the Jews. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to justify the actions of Nazi Germany, but how can we condemn others when we did some of the same things we damn them for. You also won’t find mention that during the slave trade, African tribal leader sold their own people into slavery, again the slave trade was wrong, but let be honest about, white Europeans where not the only ones with blood on their hands. Another thing that just burns my ass is teachers who ask open-ended opinion questions, then mark you down because your opinion doesn’t jive with theirs. What’s said is this is getting worse, I am seeing it more and more in my classes in college, its almost as if there is a war to eradicate independent thought, and to just accept whatever the instructor spoon feeds the class.

Ok educational rant over, now I’m going to share a thought from my Political Philosophy Class.

Why is that we live in one of the wealthiest nations in the world, yet have over half our citizens liven below the poverty line? Why is it that our country has one of the finest educational systems in world, yet we have one of the highest illiterate rates and lowest test scores in the world? Why is that we have the finest doctors, and medical advances, in the world, yet thousand die each year from diseases and medical conditions that we know how to treat and prevent? What is the answer to all of these, money, money is what divides us, money separates the rich and the poor, without money to get into the schools you don’t get the quality education, without money for the doctors you don’t get the treatment reserved for the rich.

Party Lines

FaI have never really discussed or opened up about my so called from grace with the party, so I figure what the hell I am not obligated to them anymore, my debt has been paid so to speak so it’s time for me to return the favor. Besides why should I feel obligated to keep their secrets in the closet when they exploited mine? Basically, my background is that I was once one of the republican parties rising stars, I was young, connected, and willing to do whatever it took to get the job done. Our county parties new chairman brought me in even more, put me on the central committee as a club president, handed me an open ended order to rebuild the local Young Republicans, he promised me money, support, anything I wanted to or needed would be taken care of. Well in our last election for governor, he had me work for a campaign during the primary (as a side note, this was the primary to the general election that changed my life) that was none too popular, in part to funnel information, and in part to make some money for myself, as I was a paid consultant. Well in doing that most everyone else labeled me a traitor to the party, in my mind though I was just following the orders of my chairman, and in my naive mind I believed that in the end my loyalty would be rewarded. Unfortunately, I was left out on a limb and help never came, the support I was promised never came. Nevertheless, I took it all and kept giving more and more of myself into the campaigns, I have always wanted to be involved in politics and I thought I was getting there. Flash forward from the Primaries, during the general election I worked for three of the state wide campaigns Governor, SOS, and Treasurer, the amount of time was overwhelming and the mental, physical, and emotional toll it took on me was overwhelming. I came out in early November of 2006, I told the county chairman because I felt he deserved to hear it from me, why I thought I owed him that courtesy I don’t know. In December he decided to remove me as the head of the young Republicans, because I hadn’t achieved what he wanted us too, despite never being given a goal or told what he expected, we got chastised every time we raised a penny because that was money that should of went to the central committee, the chairman didn’t want a group of Young Republicans, he wanted his own private group of little bitches that would jump when he said jump and be little lackeys to the county party. At the time, I let it go, and moved on, I was told by a lot of people, that his decision had more to do with my personal life than anything else, and I still ignored it. Well during our local municipal elections, during the “primary” I went up against the county party, and told them in December how one of their candidates for alderman was going to lose, right down to the percentage point he was going to lose by in a three way race, my recommendation was to back a fourth candidate who would win the emerging younger republican voters in the ward. I was told I was wrong, had my job threatened if I dint drop the subject and get behind the parties endorsed candidate. As it turned out, when the election night total where in, my prediction came true, I was only off by 1 percentage point, the parties guy (also the incumbent) got 21% (I said he would get 20%) Democrat A got 39% and Democrat B got 40%. In addition to the race for alderman I also got sideways with the party for other reasons, a friend of mine, a democrat, was running for the Springfield School Board. Once the party found out about my friendship, we made an agreement, I wouldn’t help my friend, but I wouldn’t help them either. Well when the republican realized he was losing he wanted me to provide information that could be used against my friend, I said no. After election night, I got called into the chairman’s office and asked how I liked my job in his office (I worked for the county, in the chairman’s elected office). Then he accused me of working with the enemy, and that I should evaluate whom my friends were and were my loyalties were. So I’m done with it, I will never work for the local party again. I should say that there are certain people, certain candidates, I would gladly work for again, but the chairman isn’t one of them. For everything he thinks he gave me, it cost me so much of myself that I can honestly say now it wasn’t worth it. No one gets to tell me who my friends will be; no one gets to expect me to betray one for someone else’s gain (especially someone I can’t stand). I should make it clear, I believe, and know several good people still in the Republican Party; the problem is that the Republican Party isn’t the Republican Party anymore. We used to the radical idealists, now the religious nutcases have taken over and are pushing everyone who isn’t a bible thumping, praise Jesus, religious fanatic, thanks much to the failed Bush/Cheney/Rove regime. A friend and I always made joking comments about starting a third party in the vein the Teddy Roosevelt’s Progressives, I’m starting to think that time is coming, the extreme wings of each party are growing more and more, and there are a lot of people left out in the cold, in the middle. The time is coming for fight or flight, the time for the people in the middle to stand up and claim their voice is coming, the question is will we let that moment pass us by.

The Question

Ok, let me start by saying a big F YOU to my cable company. It took them almost 20 hours to fix the cable service, Insight Communications = INCOMPOTENCY RUN AMUCK.
Now on to the slightly delayed post from yesterday
Ok, so I said yesterday that I started a new Job. Well on day number two, I got asked the following:
Coworker: So do you have a girlfriend?Me: no,Coworker: Well why not, you’re smart, funny, and cute?Me: I just don’tcoworker: Well I know someone who would just be perfect for you, ill have to introduce you two next time she’s in.
So here is my issue, first I have only worked at this place for two days, so first I was kind of uncomfortable by the grilling on my personal life. I mean I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, those are kind of standard getting to know you questions. And I admit I don’t believe they were trying to make me uncomfortable, the people I work with are really great. My problem is what to tell them. In a perfect world being gay doesn’t matter, and wouldn’t be an issue in the workplace. Unfortunately this isn’t a perfect world, and I have already seen it at one job were being gay was made an issue because it “made people uncomfortable”. I don’t want to lie to anyone, or give anyone the wrong ideas, but at the same time I just met these people, so I have no idea how they would react to a gay guy working with them. Maybe I am over thinking this, worrying about nothing. This is just the first time since I came out that I have had to deal with a situation in which people don’t know I am gay. Oh well, I would put some more on here, but I have to study for a biology and geography exam, so I m going to end this here, if anyone has thoughts or suggestions on this please, send them my way.

BW

09/12/07 PS, I didn’t get to study much since my internet was down and all my study notes where online. GOD DAMN INSIGHT.

A Change in Approach

Ok,
I am starting my new job today, so I am going to have more time on my hand now, mostly for studying. But with more time im going to make a new dedication to this little project. I am going to do my best to make a post everyday on here. I have to admit the person who convinced me to do this was right (mark that one up I semi-admitted to being wrong) and it has helped to clear my head of some thoughts. I also must admit, i am a bit suprised to have had over 150 page loads since august 31 with visitiors from 13 countriesm 53 different cities across 4 around the world.

annoying things

Ok, so i am trying to do a paper for my lit class that is due tuesday, its supposed to be 2-4 page journal entry on Of Mice and Men but the instructor has been so damned unhelpfull in the assignemnt. She has contradicted herself like 5 times already, and what she gave us to begin with wasnt much. I mean really if you want a research paper fucking tell me, ill write you damned research paper, you want a journal entry. Right now i want to full my hair out then kick myslef in the ass for taking this class. Oh well off to try and figure out what she wants and hope my definition and hers of the assignment match up.

P.S.
We have asked in class about some of our questions, she talked in enough circles to make a presidential canidate proud.

The Modern World

I have been reading A Boys Life in Utah blog for a while and I encourage my readers to check it out, but a lot of what he’s been saying has got me thinking both about what he’s currently going through, what I’ve gone through, and what some other friends of mine have gone through in the process of coming out. It is said that we live in a modern society that we have advanced beyond primitive societies. In today’s society, racism is scorned with disapproval, burning someone at the stake is considered cruel and inhumane; the practices of the Nazi’s are considered detestable. But how far have we really come? It is ridiculous that in a so called modern and advanced society such an issue as who someone loves, sleeps with, is attracted to, can be such a big fucking deal to some people. It’s a shame when our society makes people so uncomfortable with themselves that they sacrifice everything they are to fit in, your too fat, your too thin, your gay, your too tall, your too stupid. People wonder why the youth of today are so fucked up at times, to me the answer is simple, the pressures being put on these poor kids by their own peer groups is getting to be overwhelming. You take a person who is coming to terms with being gay, and he has to worry about how will this person react, how will that person react, will I still have friends, will I still have a family, I know these questions I can’t blame anyone for asking them, I’ve asked them myself many times. Add on top of that religious nut cases who think homosexuals should be treated for mental disorders, or segregated from the population. It’s no wonder to me why so many teens, and even adults who are struggling to come to terms with being gay, both with themselves and their friends and families, turn to substance abuse as an escape from dealing with their lives. Even beyond that I’ve held a friend in my arms the night he tried to kill himself because he felt he had nothing left in this world after coming out to his friends and family, two churches petitioned the school to have him expelled, students threw staplers, erasers, and other objects at him, called him faggot and queer, all of this in front of teachers, teachers who are supposed to give a fuck about their students, and through it all no one said a thing. I’ve seen firsthand the power that bigots can have over someone, and I find it more amazing still that in a so called modern society this is allowable and considered to be a freedom of speech to call someone a faggot. I am a trained substance abuse prevention specialist, I work a lot with teens, and I see it get worse and worse each year. At the end of a lot cases I have dealt with, straight, gay, questioning, the root cause of most substance anuses cases has been the pressure from friend s or family to just be “normal”. For anyone currently going through these struggles I encourage you to find someone, no matter if it’s someone online, a close friend you unload on, find someone, Friendship is a powerful force and it can pull you through this. I know it’s hard, I know it aint easy, but hang in there, you can get through it, and it will be better later. If you people can’t handle you being gay, then to be perfectly honest, they were not friends to begin with.

BW