A Blog About Nothing

Well so much for my attempts to post something everyday huh? Oh well, I do what I can, its not like I have a mass readership who misses me anyway. The main reason I do this isn’t to provide entertaining readings, or insightfulness to others, but to provide an outlet for myself, no matter what the topic may be, I just want to be able to throw a rant if I want, or to put into written form some type on introspection on myself and my motives at times. So whatever. And for those paying attention, if I seem a bit out of it or in a mood, I kind of am. I sat up all night thinking about stuff. Recently I have had several people tell me they like talking to me because I seem to have it all together and figured out, and that’s what got me thinking, do I really have things figured out. For almost 3 years I spent it being cold, a distanced from a lot of things, as a result I don’t really feel comfortable at times when it comes to relationships. Don’t get me wrong I have several friends that I like being around and hanging out with, but when it comes to looking for a boyfriend, I kinda suck at it, if I manage to meet someone I can usually fuck it up because I get nervous or don’t know what to say or how to act and the person gets away. Let me explain here also that I am able to relax around my friends, people I know and who know me and I feel I can let my guard down around. Honestly I don’t what to do sometimes, its like there are two sides to me, the one that can go out with his friends be relaxed and comfortable, and the one who still looks at what cars are in the parking lot and who’s inside of a bar or restaurant before I will go in. And for those who think I am exaggerating, during the campaigns that’s how it was, anytime it was a group of us from the campaign we would have to look at who was around and determine if we would stay if we did, how would we act, what would we say, what topics would be off limits, who might overhear something, that the thought process we had to use a lot and I half wonder am I still in that frame of mind. Add on top of that at the time trying to keep up enough defenses to not let anyone in on my hidden secrets. I know I have been out for almost a year, and I know I can’t expect changes overnight, but I thought I might be able to shed some more of these thing by now. At least by most accounts I’m not the complete cold heartless prick I was 18 months ago.