Who are you?

Who are you?

09/03/07
This has ended up getting rather long, so fair warning, this one’s one my longest ever, over 1,073 words and was written over the course of two days, I thought about posting part one and two, but decided I would hold off and post the whole thing at one time, each part is marked as to when it was written. Hope you enjoy and I look forward to any feedback or thoughts on the first of a few looks into myself.

09/01/07
Sounds like a simple enough question, straightforward and simple, right. The answer can be as simple as a name, or can be much more in depth, who am I, what defines me as me? 12 months ago, I would have never hesitated with that question, I am the head of the Young Republicans, Central Committee member, and I am having the time of my life. Then about this time 12 months ago, I started slipping, and as I looked at myself in the mirror, the cracks in who I thought I was started showing. As time progressed the cracks got worse and worse, and to compensate I took on more and more, thinking keep running in overdrive and life will not be able to catch up. I started working more, full time job, part time job, campaigns, little sleep, lots of alcohol, painkillers, for two months I ran and for two months life chased after me. I should say I knew I was gay for a long time, even before I was in HS I can remember having those thoughts that just didn’t jive with what my classmates were thinking. But in my mind I thought the more I could deny it, the more I could run from it, then I wouldn’t have to face it or deal with it and everyone could just go on about their lives and live happily ever after. To this day I still don’t know what the catalyst was that finally shattered the mirror was it the stress, was it nonstop constant struggle to say the right things, to look the right way, to act the right way, always being the expected norm of a party person. Like I said I still don’t know what did it, and the odds are I might never fully understand it, I have pages upon pages of written notes asking why now and even looking back at those has provided me no insight into this. All I do know is that something changed in November 2006, and it wasn’t just the last 2 months, but the last 10 years of shit, catching up to me, 10 years of living up to expectations that were not my own, 10 years of hiding myself behind walls, defense mechanisms, never letting anyone get close enough to know who the real me was. But one cold November night in 2006 I gave myself the mother of all wake up calls, I don’t remember what happened or what my intentions where, but I know I took several pain killers and downed an entire bottle of Smirnoff Vodka. Waking up on the floor of my computer room with two rather pissed looking cats looking at me I decided I could not do it anymore, I had to stop trying to hold up an image that was slowly killing me day at a time. Perhaps it was the right person at the right time, but I was finally able to tell someone, I thought he was a friend, he was at the time, today I am not sure but that is a discussion for another time.

09/02/07

It took several weeks of us dancing around the issue, he could tell something was bothering me, I think he knew though I had not worked out in my head what to say or even how to begin. Finally one night he sat me down and told me there was nothing I could say to drive him away what was bothering me. And just as simple of that 10 years of lies came to an end, it took me a couple more weeks but my family and close friends all got the talk. So why is not now almost a year later I am still struggling with this question. Is this a question that could ever be truly answered? Part of it could be is because even though I was out, I was not really out. For the last 8 months I worked in a position that required me to maintain a certain persona if you will, to quote someone at the place, it is ok to be gay just do not be waving any flags, so in a way I was still hiding myself. I guess in retrospect, to answer the question of who are you, you must first be honest with yourself about who you are before you can tell others. Am I the same person I was 12 months ago, no I am not. I have been happier with my life for the most part, not everything is perfect yet, but with time to fix, the mistakes I have made it will be. I am also sure of a direction right now, but that is another question for another day. I am no longer involved heavily in part politics, and like to think of myself as more of a freelancer working for who I want when I want. So who am I? Well I am a 24-year-old political studies student; my two passions are youth drug and alcohol awareness and prevention, and politics. I am openly gay, I run a blog that until this little side trip is geared at an intellectually debate on current affairs in our world, our country, my state. So again, who are you? I guess my best answer for that at this point is I don’t know yet because I’m still working for it, I’m still on the road to becoming the person I want to be, living the life I want to live. However, I will leave that train of thought alone since the next question is what do you want followed by where are you going. So enough of this for now, back to the political topics and other assorted things starting next week, hopefully you have enjoyed out little introspective side trip inside the man, the mind, behind the outfrontier.